What’s your money mantra?
Why You Are Not Rich, Who to Blame, and How to Change the Story in Your Head
So Why Are You Not Rich?
Feeling offended? Great.
There is not a single person on this planet who is entirely indifferent towards money. And almost nobody who wouldn’t want a little more of it. Maybe some monks somewhere. But that’s it.
We all need money. And we all have a relationship with money.
Just ask yourself: How openly can you talk about money?
Chances are, you can’t.
Why Is That?
Because money is emotionally charged as hell.
It makes us happy (to a degree) if we have it
It makes us anxious if we don’t
We feel appreciated when our employer gives us more
We feel frustrated when we’re underpaid
We measure our value with it
We judge others for how they earn it — especially if it seems “too easy” or “undeserved”
Technically, money is a construct. A made-up system:
To store value
To serve as a means of exchange
To act as a unit of account
Money is neutral. People made it up so they could trade. That’s it.
Where It All Begins
We all come into this world with no clue what money is.
We learn it — and most of us learn it very early in life through our parents and their relationship with money.
This is our first and most influential imprint.
Our parents teach us about the world. We absorb their perspective.
Ask yourself:
Was money a topic at the dinner table?
Was it scarce?
Did you hear discussions or fights about money?
Did you get pocket money or an allowance?
If yes, did you just receive it — or did you have to do chores?
Reflect on Your Own Story
Did anyone guide you on what to do with your money?
Or did you figure it out alone?
When did you start earning your own money?
Was that your idea — or your parents’ expectation?
Was money just there, and you didn’t know where it came from?
If you never heard things like “we can’t afford that”, or “that’s too expensive”,
you might not even know how much things cost — because nobody talked about it.
These small things matter.
What Did You Learn About Making Money?
Did your parents say:
Money doesn’t grow on trees?
You can only earn it through hard, decent work?
Money changes people?
Money provides safety or freedom?
Money is the root of all evil?
Chances are, these are the money mantras you’ve internalized.
Finally — something you can shamelessly blame your parents for. 😉
The Bottom Line
No matter if you grew up rich, poor, or middle class —
you have opinions and feelings about money.
The problem?
Most of us aren't even aware of them.
It will affect your relationship. Money is - according to the 40+ years of experience with couples therapy of Dr. Julie and John Gottman, the “Godmother and Godfather of modern relationship research” - one of the top reasons for conflict in marriages. Your perspective on money will impact the happiness of your relationship. It will determine if you are content with your financial situation. And this will determine whether you live the life you want to live. Like it or not, your relationship with money has an impact on every aspect of your life.
To Dig Deeper: Look at Your First Imprint
To understand your relationship with money, it’s incredibly helpful to look at your first imprint — and that always comes from your parents or primary caretakers in early childhood.
It can be especially helpful to distinguish between the messages you received from your mother and your father, as these are often quite different.
This assumes you grew up with both parents, but the same principle applies to any caretaker who raised you and shaped your ideas about money.
You may have gotten contradictory messages from Mom and Dad. Here's an example from my own life:
My Personal Example
My Mom comes from a wealthy family — “old money,” as people say.
I grew up knowing that money was always available.
There were always resources to fall back on.
I often heard:
“It’s okay, don’t worry, it’s only money.”
Other things were emphasized as more important:
Health
Happiness
Family
Of course, you’ll only ever hear things like that from people who have money — because when you don’t, money suddenly matters a lot.
She also ingrained in me the importance of financial independence:
Never ask a man for money.
Make your own.
And she lived by that — she always earned her own money.
My Dad came from a different background.
His family had money once, but they lost everything after World War II and had to start over in a new country. He worked his way up the ranks.
Both of my parents come from hard-working entrepreneurial families.
Even though they were employed, they ran a side business for decades to earn extra income. They both worked a lot.
My Dad taught me that:
Education is the key to financial security
Decent work equals hard work
You should always earn your money
He would often say:
“Why are you taking all these voice lessons? Are you going to make money with this?”
Or:
“The easiest way to make money is doing what no one else is willing to do.”
He also frequently asked:
“Have you invested your money? How?”
And I hadn’t.
Because I believed (or wanted to believe) that money was always available anyway.
So why hustle to learn investing?
The Hidden Belief
That led to another belief I had:
Investing is complicated. It’s a hustle.
Spoiler: that’s not true either.
It’s a belief I’ve since unlearned — and it’s one of the reasons why I’m writing about money today.
Because I know how many people, especially women, struggle with this.
But let’s stay on topic.
Everyone Has a Story
You can see from my family narrative that money stories vary widely — even within one household.
And those stories are shaped by their parents’ stories.
They can even be contradictory.
Because here’s the thing:
Both of my parents’ beliefs about money can’t be true at the same time.
And actually, none of them are objectively true.
We believe them because we’ve heard them so often, they become:
Our money mantra
Our ground truth
The lens through which we see the world
How to figure out what your story is
Now if you would like to dig deeper into your own money stories, here are three simple journaling prompts. Let’s look at these two first:
#1 Dad’s part
Think about key things your father said or demonstrated in the area of money.
#2 Mom’s part
Think about key things your mother said or demonstrated in the area of money.
It is important that you go into this exercise with an open mind. Collect information. Don’t judge.
Reflecting on Your Money Story
Here are some prompts to help you think deeper about your early money imprints:
Questions to Reflect On
Who took care of the finances at home, and why?
Did you often hear: “We can’t afford that”?
Were your parents frugal, saving every cent for a “rainy day”?
Were they fearless entrepreneurs who took big risks and made big investments?
- Did they have a business that failed or went bankrupt?
Did they invest in the stock market — and if so, do you know how?
Did you know how much money your parents made at the time?
- Would they tell you if you asked?
Did they believe capitalism is the root of all evil?
- Did they see the stock market as a casino for the rich?
Did your family equate money with success or power?
Did your parents monetize everything they did — or did they volunteer, like coaching sports or organizing school events?
Did you receive money as a gift or reward for good grades?
The Big One: Where Did Money Go?
How was money spent in your home?
On vacations, cars, experiences?
Expensive gifts, restaurants, books?
Ballet classes, piano lessons, clothes, shoes?
Or just necessities?
Were your parents:
Mindless shopaholics?
Drug addicts or alcoholics?
Hippies living off the grid?
Teaching you to buy quality food and pay more?
Always hunting for discounts and coupons?
Words vs. Actions
What did you learn from their spending behavior?
Did their words match their actions?
Was their attitude towards money:
Coherent or contradictory?
Anxious, courageous, or indifferent?
Take Time to Reflect
Take at least 15 minutes.
Close your eyes. Go back to your childhood home in your mind.
Walk through these questions slowly.
Write it down. This is crucial.
Writing brings clarity.
#3 Your part
How do these narratives show up in the choices you make around money right now?
How do you feel about spending money? How much do you enjoy spending money for others, for necessities, for gifts, for yourself? Are you a hoarder or a big spender? Do you turn to the same brands in the supermarket as your Mom or Dad or are you proud to be able to afford the “better” ones, because you always hated the cheap shit? Do you know what your monthly costs are? Do you know how much money is in your bank account right now?
You don’t have to do a full psychoanalysis on this one, but you get the point. You will, most likely, replicate and live what you have been taught. And this is okay. Assuming that your parents are normal people who wanted nothing but the best for you, they taught you what they thought you needed to know about the world. Let’s assume it came from a place of love and care. And that’s great.
How You Could Change It
The world has changed — and maybe you want to live differently than the environment you grew up in.
In this new world, your old money beliefs may or may not serve you.
How do you know?
Easy.
Do they work for you?
Are you where you want to be financially?
If not — those beliefs are in the way.
What Would You Rather Believe?
Ask yourself:
What would be more helpful for your situation?
Do you want to keep these narratives or not?
Here’s a truth bomb:
You can change them.
You don’t need anyone’s permission.
You just need enough evidence.
Try on beliefs like these:
Money is neutral. It’s what you do with it that matters.
Money is an equalizer.
I deserve to earn a lot of money.
The world would be a better place if decent people like me had more cash.
Making money is easy.
The more money I make, the more I can help other people.
Money is abundant.
I am not taking away from others by making more money.
It’s okay to make money work for me.
Look for Evidence
If you found a belief that resonates with you — from the list above or your own version — go find evidence that it’s true.
Look at people in your personal life
Ask your friends
Follow people you admire on social media
Read their stories, books, or listen to their podcasts
It’s okay to borrow from others.
You’ve been doing that your whole life — only this time, you’re doing it consciously.
Write It Down
✍️ You have to see what you want to be.
I’m not a big believer in affirmations.
Repeating empty lines won’t change your life.
Here’s what will:
Knowledge is not enough.
You have to act on it.
Repeated actions build a different reality.
Reality is evidence.
Evidence creates belief.
Yes — it’s a circle.
Which makes sense, because you’re trying to replace one belief with another.
Try This Instead
Borrow from people who are where you want to be.
Ask yourself: What would this person do?
Then do that — instead of what your old beliefs tell you to do.
Example:
Your badass friend negotiates a 10% raise every time?
Your colleague saved up for her dream trip to Hawaii?
Next time you face a money decision, act like they would.
Test it. See what happens.
Reality Check & Trusting the Process
Let’s be realistic.
You’re in the process of rewiring your brain.
And as you’ve seen, your money story impacts every part of your life.
This transformation won’t happen overnight.
You’ll need to try on beliefs
Some will fit immediately
Others you’ll grow into
And some won’t be yours — and that’s okay
But if you don’t try, you’ll stay exactly where you are:
Same beliefs.
Same story.
Same life.
And that’s not what you want — right?
So be patient.
But never stop writing your own story.
If you would like to dig deeper into your own relationship with money, start here.
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