What’s your money mantra?
Why you are not rich, who to blame and how to change the story in your head
So why are you not rich? Feeling offended? Great. There is not a single person on this planet who is entirely indifferent towards money. And almost nobody who wouldn’t want a little more of it. Maybe some monks somewhere. But that’s it. We all need money. And we all have a relationship with money. Just ask yourself how openly you can talk about money. Chances are, you can’t.
But why is that? Because money is emotionally charged as hell. It makes us happy - to a degree - if we have it and anxious if we don’t. We feel appreciated if our employer gives us more of it and we are frustrated if not. We measure our own value with it. We judge others who made their money with the “wrong” thing. Or if they seem to earn it effortlessly. Technically, money is a construct. It is a made up system to store value, to serve as a means of exchange and a unit of account. People made it up so they could trade. That is it. Money is neutral.
Where it all begins
We all come into this world with no clue what money is. We learn it. And most of us learn it very early on in life through our parents and their relationship with money. This is our first and most influential imprint. Our parents teach us about the world. We learn their perspective. When you think back to your childhood, was money a topic at the dinner table? Was money scarce? Did you hear a lot of discussions or even fights about money? Did you get pocket money or an allowance as a kid? And if yes, did you get it just like that - or did you have to do household chores to earn it?
Did you get guidance on what to do with your money? Or did you figure that out for yourself? When did you start to earn your own money? And was it your own decision or did your parents tell you to find a job? Was money abundant and you didn’t even realize where it was coming from? It was just there. And you wouldn’t even know how much things cost, because nobody ever talked about it. Nobody ever said that something was too expensive or that you couldn’t afford it. Everything was just paid for. These small things matter.
What did you learn about making money from your parents? Does money grow on trees? Could it only be earned with hard and decent work? Does it change people? Ruin their character? Or provide safety or freedom? Or is money the root of all evil? Chances are, these are the money mantras you have learned to believe. Finally something you can shamelessly blame your parents for ;).
No matter if you grew up rich or poor or if you are an average middle class child. You will have an opinion and feelings about money. But we’re often not aware of them.
Why you should care
It can be really tricky to figure this out. Because these mantras can be so deeply ingrained into our belief system that we don’t even think about the possibility that they might not be true. Why does that matter?
Your relationship with money will determine the career you choose. It will determine how much money you make, how you dress, what you eat. It will reflect your values and your world view. If you are not clear on what these are, you will not be able to communicate them to your partner. It will affect your relationship. Money is - according to the 40+ years of experience with couples therapy of Dr. Julie and John Gottman, the “Godmother and Godfather of modern relationship research” - one of the top reasons for conflict in marriages. Your perspective on money will impact the happiness of your relationship. It will determine if you are content with your financial situation. And this will determine whether you live the life you want to live. Like it or not, your relationship with money has an impact on every aspect of your life.
To dig deeper, it is really helpful to look at your first imprint. And this is always your parents or caretakers in early childhood. It is helpful to distinguish between the messages you got from your mother and your father, because the messaging can be quite different. This is assuming you grew up with both of your parents, but it could be any primary caretaker who raised you and taught you about money. You might have gotten different messages from Mom and Dad. I will give you an example from my personal life.
My Mom comes from a wealthy family, “old money” as people like to call it. I grew up knowing that money was always available. There were always resources to fall back on. One thing I would often hear was: “It’s okay, don’t worry, it’s only money.” Other things were much more important. Health, happiness, family. Now, this is of course something you’ll only ever hear from people who have money. Because money matters big time if you don’t have it. She also ingrained in me the importance of financial independence, not having to ask for money, especially not a man, but making your own money. Which she did her entire life. My Dad has a different background. His family was relatively wealthy, too, but had to start from scratch again after World War II in a different country and he had to work his way up the ranks. Both my parents come from families of hard-working entrepreneurs. And - even though they were both employed - that innovative spirit made them run a company on the side for decades to make some nice extra money. They both worked a lot.
My Dad taught me the importance of education as a guarantee for financial security. For him, money had to be earned with decent work. And decent work equals hard work. I often heard: “Why are you taking all these voice lessons? Are you going to make money with this?” I also heard from him that the easiest way to make money was doing what no one else was willing to do. He was also the one who would always ask if I had invested my money and how - which of course I never had, because - guess what - I “knew“ (or wanted to believe the much more comfortable truth) that money was always available anyways. So why should I go through that hustle and learn about investing? Which reveals another belief I inferred from this: that investing money is complicated and a hustle. Which is - surprise - also not true. Something I regret today, and something I have changed completely. This is also one of the reasons why I am writing about money. I know that many people struggle with this, especially women. But let’s stay on topic.
You see from my family narratives that money stories can be completely different. And they are informed by their own family’s money stories. They can even be contradictory. Because my parents’ beliefs can’t be true at the same time. And none of them are actually true. We only believe them to be true, because we hear them so often. They become our money mantra. Our ground truth, the lens through which we see the world.
How to figure out what your story is
Now if you would like to dig deeper into your own money stories, here are three simple journaling prompts. Let’s look at these two first:
#1 Dad’s part
Think about key things your father said or demonstrated in the area of money.
#2 Mom’s part
Think about key things your mother said or demonstrated in the area of money.
It is important that you go into this exercise with an open mind. Collect information. Don’t judge.
Here are some aspects to help you think about it.
Who took care of the finances at home and why?
Did you hear “We can’t afford that” a lot?
Were your parents frugal and saved every cent for a “rainy day”?
Were they fearless entrepreneurs who took huge risks and made big investments? If they had a business, did their business fail and go bankrupt?
Did they invest in the stock market and do you know how?
Did you know at that time how much money your parents made?
Would they tell you if you asked? Did they believe capitalism is the cause of all evil in the world and the stock market is a casino for rich people?
Does money equal success? Is it power?
Did your parents monetize everything they did or would they do volunteer work, e.g. as a football coach for the local school team or whatever?
Did you get money as a birthday gift or as a reward for good grades?
And probably the biggest one:
Where did money go? How was it spent? Vacations, cars, experiences, expensive gifts, restaurant visits, books, ballet classes, piano lessons, clothes or shoes? Or just necessities? Maybe they were mindless shopaholics? Drug addicts, alcoholics? Hippies? Were you taught to shop quality food and pay more or were you taught to shop at the lower shelves and hunt for discounts?
Whatever it was, what did you learn from their spending behavior? Words are one thing, did the words match the actions? Was it coherent, was it contradictory what you heard about money, was it anxious, courageous or indifferent?
Take at least 15 minutes, go back to your childhood home in your mind and reflect on that. Write it down. This is crucial. Writing brings clarity.
Once you finished that, move on to prompt
#3 Your part
How do these narratives show up in the choices you make around money right now?
How do you feel about spending money? How much do you enjoy spending money for others, for necessities, for gifts, for yourself? Are you a hoarder or a big spender? Do you turn to the same brands in the supermarket as your Mom or Dad or are you proud to be able to afford the “better” ones, because you always hated the cheap shit? Do you know what your monthly costs are? Do you know how much money is in your bank account right now?
You don’t have to do a full psychoanalysis on this one, but you get the point. You will, most likely, replicate and live what you have been taught. And this is okay. Assuming that your parents are normal people who wanted nothing but the best for you, they taught you what they thought you needed to know about the world. Let’s assume it came from a place of love and care. And that’s great.
How you could change it
However, the world has changed and you might live or want to live in a different world. In this world, these beliefs might or might not serve you. How do you know? This is a pretty easy one. Do they work for you? Are you where you want to be financially? If not, they are in the way. So what would you rather believe? What would be more helpful for your situation?
Do you want to keep these narratives or not? Because, here’s a truth bomb. You can change them. You don’t need anyone’s permission. You just need enough evidence. What about these ones for starters?
Money is neutral, it’s what you do with it that matters.
Money is an equalizer.
I deserve to earn a lot of money.
The world would be a better place if decent people like me had more cash.
Making money is easy.
The more money I make, the more I can help other people.
Money is abundant.
I am not taking away from others by making more money.
It’s okay to make money work for me.
And if you found something - either in the list above or somewhere else - that would serve you better for where you want to be or go, look for evidence that these beliefs are true. Look for people you like and maybe admire. Start in your personal life, ask your friends. Look up people you admire on the internet, on social media. Read their stories or books, listen to their podcasts and what they have to say about money. It is okay to borrow from other people, that’s what you’ve been doing all along - only this time you choose consciously.
Once you find a good one, write it down. You have to see what you want to be. I am not a big believer in affirmations to be honest. I don’t think it will do much for you if you keep reading this to yourself. Remember this:
Knowledge is not enough. You have to act on it. Repeated actions build a different reality. Reality is evidence. Evidence creates belief.
Yes, it is a circle. Which makes sense, because we wanted to get rid of an old belief and create a new belief, right? I have found it much more helpful to borrow from other people who are where you want to be. And ask yourself what this person would do. And then do that, instead of what your beliefs tell you to do. Let’s say you have a badass friend who is a tough negotiator and walks out of every performance review with a 10% raise. Or a colleague told you how she managed to save for her dream trip to Hawaii. Next time you are in a situation that requires any money-related decision, do what they would do and see what happens.
Reality check and trusting the process
Let’s be realistic. You are in the process of retraining and rewiring your brain. And as we saw earlier, this story you have around money impacts all areas of your life. This change doesn’t happen overnight. This takes time. And you might have to try some beliefs on for size. Some might fit right away, some might not and you might have to grow into some others over time. But if you are not trying, you will stay exactly where you are. And blaming your parents instead of taking responsibility for your own life. With the exact same beliefs you have always had. Living the exact same life you have always lived. And this is what you didn’t want, right? So be patient, but never stop writing your own story.
