Who are you when nobody is watching?
Why it matters and how you become the only accountability buddy you’ll ever need
We often think that we can just work on this one thing and that’s enough to change our lives. Unfortunately, this is not how it works. At all. It is not about doing. It is more about becoming, and ultimately being. You are what you do, for sure, but what you do really says everything about who you are. And it does not only matter what you do when there are witnesses, it always matters what you do. Even if nobody’s watching. Now, don’t get me wrong here. This is not an article about perfecting your life and performing all the time. Not at all. What I am trying to get across is that it matters what you do, it matters how you treat the person at the cashier in the supermarket, it matters how you show up for yourself, it matters if you keep your promises, even if nobody sees it.
I‘ll give you some examples from my personal life. Imagine you would find out that I don’t practice breathwork. Even though I keep telling everyone at every occasion how great of a tool that is and how it changed my life. Would you still trust me? Probably not, right? And rightfully so. You should always check if words and actions align. And hold people accountable to their own standards. Now I am not a perfect human being, nobody is. And sometimes, I snap at people, because I am triggered, or just hungry (much more likely) and have zero capacity to deal with any more shit. Sometimes I get up late and do only 3 minutes of breathwork in the bathroom instead of 10 minutes on my mat in the morning. That’s human and normal and okay and I am transparent about it. The question is, what is your default mode, what is your resting position? What is the rule, what is the exception and are you aware of it? And are you intentionally working on it? Or do you just let life happen to you and see where it goes? In other words, do you let others run your life for you? And I am the first one to admit that I have lived a large portion of my life like that and I wasn’t even aware of what I was doing.
The magic of radical responsibility
The moment you realize that you are the only accountability buddy that is always available, you are the only person who can truly hold yourself accountable, your life will change. And I am sure there are things you already do that you don’t even realize you’re doing. You can start with taking inventory. What do you integrate into your life no matter what? What is non-negotiable? What are the things you do that nobody has to remind you of? Because this is not what you do, this is who you are. I am a person who takes a cold shower every single morning. Like always. Nobody sees that. But I know I do it. And I know there are no exceptions to that (unless I am really, really sick). Not when I don’t feel like it, when I am traveling, when it’s cold outside. It is an integral part of my shower process so to speak. Now cold showers might not be your thing (you should try though, there is nothing better to wake you up and it is very beneficial if you need to get high focus things done in the morning), but you get the point. This is the magic of radical responsibility. You are the creator of your life, nobody else.
It can feel very daunting to realize the weight of all the responsibility on your shoulders. To know that it’s only ever between you and you. The good news is that you can always borrow from other people. It is a process, growth often happens slowly and over time. So you can simply copy what others do. One thing that always comes to my mind is what Brett, my Yoga teacher in my Yoga teacher training, taught us. She recommended imagining the person you would like to be, e.g. a 6-figure business owner. And then imagine what they would do? Would they be scared to spend 20 $ per month on a website hosting plan? Probably not. They wouldn’t even skip a beat. It sounds so ridiculous now, but it was a really big deal for me three years ago. I sat in front of my computer for at least 10 minutes before I hit the “pay now” button. Nobody was there, nobody knew what I was going to do. It was only me. And the question of if I was serious about that thing I was going to start or not. Committing to making that payment, believing in myself, putting my content out there, sharing my work with the world was a real struggle. Other people were totally able to sense that I was scared and that I was dreading feedback and secretly hoping nobody would ever look at the website or even book a discovery call. Guess what, that’s exactly what happened. Even though my old website looked really nice, with professional pictures and everything. And I 100% believe it is due to my own insecurities at that point. Because that was exactly the vibe I had around that. It was not real, it was not aligned, it was fake. People could sense it. I wasn’t doing the right thing. That is one tricky thing. If you’re not aligned with where you’re going, it won’t work.
About the fakeness in the Yoga world
I have seen quite a few Yoga teachers during my lifelong practice who preach peace and love and talk in this singing mermaid voice, but can’t wait to gossip about other people as soon as they have the chance. They judge people, they attack people, they are stuck in their own ideology of what is the “right” way to practice Yoga, and they are happy to let you know if they think you are doing it wrong. There is so much fakeness out there and it matters if you are fake or not. I hear so many people preach to be authentic, but they are so polished and deeply optimized from their ponytail to their toenails, that it’s hard to bear… and let me be clear here: you don’t have to be transparent about every aspect of your life by the way, but if you decide to share, be authentic about it.
The other tricky thing is that you are not there (yet), so you’ll have to borrow the vibe from either a person you know who is where you want to be or - even cooler - future you. What would you in five years tell yourself right now? Probably, that it’s not a big deal. Just do it, girl. If you manage to do that, and it is aligned with who you want to be, it will propel you forward like nothing else.
What you do matters. Because it informs your energy. It informs the vibe around you. Energy has no walls, it transmits even over Zoom calls. And people can tell unless they’re completely numb to vibes.
Now isn’t this just a toxic form of performance optimization? Being always “on” and performing? Nope. Quite the opposite. You should never perform, that’s the whole point of authenticity. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t act like a professional grown-up. We all play certain parts in different areas of our lives. If they are too far apart though, it will feel off. The point of being authentic is that you don’t have to perform, because it’s who you are. And if you’re finding yourself performing all the time, it might mean that you are in the wrong environment. But that’s a topic for another time…
That’s also why I find accountability partners a tricky concept. Most coaches will sell you the idea of being your accountability partner. In my view that is glorified (and overpriced) babysitting. It is a crutch at best and might help in the short term, but in the end, the only person who can hold yourself accountable is you. What counts is that you keep your promises to yourself. That you can trust yourself.
One promise I can make is that life gets so much easier if you live it in an aligned way, be who you say you are and show up as that same person. First and foremost for yourself. Because you are the only person who will wake up with yourself every single morning for the rest of your life. Make sure you can count on her. ;)
